Successful birthday parties for a child on the spectrum are rare, at least they have been for us so far, having just celebrated London’s 12th. The first parties, the preschool parties, don’t count. Those are the easy ones, where everyone is invited. Parents hang around too. Maybe you have a cooler of juice boxes next to a cooler of craft brews, clearly marked of course. All the kids get along for a bit. There’s some crying. There’s some chaos. There’s some confusion. But, the really nice part is that kids aren’t mean yet. If they see differences at all among their peers it is not an issue.
Elementary was a whole different beast. Girls got very clicky. They aren’t kind to each other and they’re especially not kind or welcoming to someone who appears to think and act differently than them. My daughter, who is the most welcoming and nice person I have ever known, did not get invited to a birthday party more than twice in elementary school (I might be exaggerating). We hosted a few parties, though it was a mix of good and bad. One girl at a third grade party showed up with her cellphone. At another party, a sleepover, we had a guest steal toys and jewelry (real jewelry, not kiddie dress-up garbage), later receiving it in the mail and severing ties for the best.
London would often speak of friends at school. I knew some of them. But there was never an invite. And in group interactions, I saw no one engaging London like a true friend. I was disgusted and admittedly so disappointed in her peers that I referred to them as bitches when complaining to Kate. How is this possible? How are these girls so mean already?
My heart has been shattered again and again thinking about how many birthday parties she hasn’t been invited to. It has bothered her too, although she is so damn resilient and has faired much better than I have. For her, it’s normal and I think it truly does not bother her. But I know exactly what she’s missing and the sadness that comes from that enwraps me in a dark shroud somedays.
I have normalized London not having friends she sees outside of school. No one is gonna call for a playdate. There just aren’t going to be birthday party invites. No need to navigate a busy weekend of social gatherings for her because there aren’t any. I know London has attended more parties as the older sibling guest of Camden, who receives birthday party invites, than parties she received an invitation for.
So when we moved to Fort Collins and London met a girl one year older than her and two houses away from us, I was not optimistic. I started to wonder how long until this girl can see London’s differences and any hope in a friendship is dashed? How will we handle that when she lives on the same street? We are going to see her so much. London won’t get it. London will approach this girl every day like they are best friends.
But it’s been months now and that hasn’t happened. London and her new friend have even hung out outside of school, having hot chocolate on Fridays and fishing together on the weekends. They walk back from the bus stop after school. The girl says bye to London and London actually says bye back! London’s new friend has introduced her to other friends in the neighborhood and at school. And just this last weekend, we hosted a party for seven of London’s friends who, according to spies in the room (I took Camden to Fort Fun), got along very well and were respectful and sweet to London. After the party, London was on cloud nine. She showed me all the generous gifts she received. I reveled in her glow, even feeling a bit optimistic about her future friend situation, which I have never felt. I expect there to be setbacks along the way, these are middle school girls after all, but so far they are much kinder than any elementary “friend” she ever had.
I just have to recalibrate my social expectations for her because—although they are fleeting—hopeful moments in this area are a new thing for us. Although we have encouraged her socially for years, it’s her who is really putting in the work, putting herself out there, and talking to anyone and everyone like it’s the best day ever. I love that.
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