No one tells you that looking at pictures of your kids from years past is going to hurt so much. It really came as a shock to me when I first registered this response. I heard so many maxims and accepted truths about parenting, especially the oft-repeated it goes by so fast. I always felt the truth in that. It was made crystal clear after London’s first few years, so when Camden came along in 2017 I made an even greater effort to appreciate every single moment of infancy and the toddler years.
I feel like I did that right, most of the time, but still, I look at a video or a picture of those years and I get overwhelmingly sad. Yes, I’m happy I lived the moment. Yes, the kids look cute as heck. But it was gone so fast. And there’s gonna be a moment that happens over the next few days that will be photographed or recorded. In a few years, it’ll pop up as a memory on my iPhone and it’ll make me sad all over again. That cycle will continue until they are out of the house. Then the memories from those fleeting moments will become even rarer.
These really are the best years and the sadness is a reminder of that. I’ll know in the simplest of moments, like walking London to the bus stop as the sun rises or holding Camden’s hand as we walk to get the mail, that on my deathbed I’ll want them back more than anything I have ever wanted in my life. That is the most painful reminder that the years do really go by fast. You can believe it when you hear it. But you feel it in your bones when you live it. It’s a stubborn ache that will never go away.
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