Becoming a Playground Aficionado

London has discovered playgrounds. The closest one is just up the street. We went IMG_7500there months ago. I have the exact date written down somewhere, but since then, we have had to expand our known playground universe. Throughout the process, London has seemed to enjoy every playground we have been to, but I quickly developed preferences and discovered things about playgrounds that are quite different since I was last climbing around one.

And, of course, some things about playgrounds are still the same. For example, I am still too big for them just like I was too big for them when I was 12.

IMG_7504But the differences are many. Sand is often isolated to a small area of the playground or simply nonexistent. As a parent, I absolutely love this. London would probably prefer more sand, but she has tried to eat it and it has the potential to get places I’d rather not find sand in later in the day. Thus, I love it.

However, the common sand replacement is wood chips. In my opinion, better than sand, but not the best surface. There is a potential for slivers and, apparently, spiders. Spiders like wood chips. London likes the wood chips. Like sand, she has tasted them, but it is loads easier to get wood chips out of a baby’s mouth than sand.

So far, my preferred playground surface almost looks like concrete, but it’s soft and coated in rubber. It’s springy enough to ease a fall, but firm enough to support easy walking and running.

I think it is safe to say that London and I prefer Kompan playgrounds. They build some really sweet playgrounds. They aren’t the playgrounds of my late elementary years, which were starting to be too safe as our society became more litigious. Kompan playgrounds seem to have taken steps back from that fun-sapping trend. So far, our time on Kompan playgrounds has been plenty safe, but I love that they incorporate a lot of ropes and tall playground equipment. I love the potential for injury and risk, even if I still don’t fit well on most of their contraptions. That’s okay! London fits just fine and  every week we are trying out new playgrounds across Denver and finding out that our favorites consistently have Kompan printed all over the playground, a welcome site for this playground duo.

Those First 20 Months

Don’t run. Don’t run from this. I know, you had these grand plans. Fatherhood doesn’t mean those plans have to be scrapped. Modified, perhaps. Delayed, most likely. But scrapped? No.

Impending fatherhood can do some crazy things to you. A part of you might want to tuck tail and run. We are selfish beings after all. In the moment, it is all too easy to see the coming changes as the way you are going to lose your freedoms.

I won’t lie. Some freedoms disappear. Some just temporarily. Some other freedoms for a little while longer. But as you wade deeper and deeper into fatherhood, those freedoms will come back. Normal will be erased, redefined, and can slowly return to something resembling a healthy, balanced lifestyle.

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You won’t get to help complete her first puzzle.

But first there will be dirty diapers, lots of them. Also, there won’t be sleep, at least not restful sleep. Your life will be interrupted by a baby and within that interruption, there are hundreds more interruptions, coming at the worst moments after just two hours of sleep, or at 4 am, or in the middle of a book, or in the middle of a job when you are facing a deadline. And your checking account will take a hit. Even if you get a ton of gifts at multiple baby showers, you will think there is a leak in your bank. And in the toughest moments, you might mourn the old you. Where did that carefree you go? You thought you had to be responsible before? Huh, you will say out loud, I wish I could talk to that old me and let him know how easy he has got it.

You could just remain that person. After all, many people shirk the mantle of fatherhood. I don’t recommend it though. I have only been a father for 20 months, but just in case you decide to take even just the first 20 months off, here is some of what you will miss.

Your daughter’s first smile. Her very first laugh. Her. First. Laugh. Isn’t that amazing?

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You won’t get pictures like this.

You won’t get to teach her one of her first words. You won’t get to cheer her on as she makes her very first army crawl across the living room.

You won’t get to pick clothes out for her. You won’t get to dress her in a new outfit for the very first time.

You won’t get to look at her in awe and start to see her become something that resembles a little of you and a little of the woman you loved long before your daughter was even in your imagination.

You won’t get to hear her say dada for the first time. You won’t get to hear her say your actual name for the first time, like I did today.

You won’t be able to scoop her off the ground after her first fall. You won’t get to have a hug from her. Those hugs, well, there is nothing like them.

The firsts don’t end at 20 months. They keep on going and going and going. Never in my life have I heard someone speak highly of a father who skipped out on those firsts. Can you even be a father if you skip this? Maybe. Eventually. But that road back is going to be a lot more challenging than just sticking this out.

If you could talk to your future self, say twenty years down the road, regardless of that person’s decision, I am confident he would say the same thing. You should be a father and a husband first. You will find out that all the other titles, adventures, and stories out there, although great they can be, will fade away once you embrace the most important role you will ever have. Father.

SAHD Convention

I found this good recap of the Annual At-Home Dads Convention, recently held in Raleigh (last year it was in Denver). I agree with nearly everything in the article except for this:

“Minivans are cool now. They’re all tricked out.”

Read the whole article here. 

SAHD Guidelines for Music Class

Yesterday was my first music class with London. I need to write some things down so I remember them for the next nine classes to come…

Try as hard as you can to act like there is another dad in the room. You are the only one, but be as comfortable as if there were three other SAHDs present.

Try not to sweat when you’re feeling like all eyes are on you because all eyes aren’t on you. It just feels that way because you’re the only SAHD there. IMG_7217

Just in case you do sweat a lot like yesterday, wear a darker shirt. Yesterday you wore a light blue shirt and within ten minutes you had a band of belly sweat visible on your shirt and by the end of the class it was impossible to hide the fact that you were pitting out.

Don’t drink a venti iced coffee from Starbucks right before music class. Trying to pee while holding London is not as easy as it once was. And yesterday you had to do it twice, right before class and immediately afterward.

Take pride in the fact that the first toddler on toddler assault yesterday was not London’s doing, but don’t forget to corral her if she starts winding up for a nice slap across the face, her customary greeting for babies.

If the opportunity arises, share London’s age. From past experience, I know there has to be someone there wondering why there is a three-year-old acting like a sixteen-month-old. Well, let them down gently, it’s because she is sixteen months old.

Also, be kind to anyone if they assume I am babysitting. Just because I am a dad and I am here with my daughter does not mean I am babysitting. I am parenting. No parent should feel like they are babysitting their own kid.

Do not assume a child’s age. Yes, he or she might be significantly smaller than London, but they might be six months to a a year older.

Just try to fit in. Try not to think of yourself as the pariah. You won’t be if you remember these things you’ve written down here. Oh yeah, and don’t sweat as much.

Shots From the Nashville Weekend

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We were in Nashville for a wedding last weekend. None of us had been there so it was fun being introduced to a new city and its offerings. One of the first things we tried, that I particularly enjoyed, was Barista Parlor. It came recommended to me from a friend who had gone to it before and it just so happened to be a five minute walk from our Airbnb house. Their cold brew coffee is delightfully smooth. I had several of them over the weekend.

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On the way up to the Fontanel Mansion. London rides in the bus like a big girl. This is so much better than holding her! That sounds bad, but she’s getting heavy and she’s already strong.

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The great room at the mansion. We were the youngest people on the tour of the mansion by 20+ years and the only ones along who didn’t know one damn thing about country music or popular, television variety shows of the early 1980s. Factoid about the vertical log in the exact middle of this photo: Chuck Norris signed it. Strongest log in the house, the tour guide told us.

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Not the first time I’ve been in a shower like this, but the first time I’ve had my picture taken while I’ve been in a shower like this. It’s worth documenting once.

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When family selfies go well.

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When family selfies go horribly.

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Had to get some weenies at I Dream of Weenie, where they also sell Professional Weenie Handler pins.

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Nashville was showing off the morning after the wedding. We had a great time walking around downtown. Our biggest gripe about the entire downtown area and other parts of Nashville is parking. Whoever owns Premier Parking in Nashville is making a lot of money. $16 to park for two hours? C’mon, this isn’t San Francisco. On our way to the airport yesterday we stopped by Opryland to look at the botanic gardens. No way that was going to happen because once we arrived we saw that parking was $23. Nice try, Opryland.

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Panorama from the pedestrian bridge in downtown Nashville.

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Other than the cost of parking (and almost anything along Honky Tonk row) Nashville really impressed us. We would love to go back again. Friendly people. Great food and coffee. Of course, good bars too. And a river going right through the middle of a city can only make things better.

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We were all over with traveling by the end of yesterday, but especially this little gal. She did so well! Our next family trip is to Breckenridge for another wedding and then a week after that we are off to Milwaukee for a much-needed reunion with the Brew City and an opportunity to introduce London to family and friends!

Ten Insults SAHDs Hear

I read this great article yesterday. A stay-at-home dad writes about the ten insults he hears as a SAHD.

All of them are so accurate and pretty universal. I think I have heard eight out of ten. I have yet to hear, “It must be nice not to work” and “Seriously, you change diapers?”

Great read. Here’s the link.

What Makes You Happy?

With encouragement from my wife, I am very slowly reading The Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin. I have enjoyed reading about Rubin’s year-long journey to a happier life.

The book includes a nice mix of practical and philosophical advice for a happier life. In Screen Shot 2015-09-06 at 11.59.48 AMthe last chapter I read, Rubin spent a fair amount of time writing about what makes her happy. She kept asking herself, am I happy doing this? She asked her readers, what makes you happy? In response, Rubin and her blog readers concluded that what truly makes them happy is not always what they wish made them happy. For example, Rubin might be happiest being at home reading a book without interruption, but in her mind she is tormented by the thought that she might be happier on a hike even though she knows perfectly well that is not going to make her as happy.

Since reading the chapter I have been thinking about what sort of activities make me happy. At this point in my life, being able to do something without interruption makes me happiest. It does not really matter what that something is. If I can sit down and watch a movie without interruption, I am thrilled. Read a chapter of a book without being interrupted? So refreshing and invigorating. Refinishing an end table for our living room without an interruption? This actually give me a strong sense of accomplishment, which combined with the effort it takes to refinish furniture, gives me a lasting happiness that helps me through the menial tasks of SAHD duty: diaper changes, bottle service, dishes, laundry, house-cleaning, etc.

So, today, I set out to do a few things without interruption. One, go to Novo Coffee and read a couple of articles in Vanity Fair without interruption (done). Two, write a blog without interruption (currently in progress). Three, go home and eat lunch while watching an hour of television without interruption (coming soon). Four, work on refinishing an end table without the worry of being interrupted (also, coming soon).

Time for number three.

Buy Me A Beer

No one knows what it is like to be a stay-at-home parent unless they have
done it themselves.

Maybe you watched your kids for a long weekend so your spouse could get a break. Maybe you watched your kids for a week while your spouse was away. Maybe you actually used all your paternity or maternity leave after your child was born. These are all great things to do. Necessary, in my view.

IMG_1018_43927But doing all of those stints with your kid doesn’t give you enough experience to know what being a stay-at-home parent (SAHP) is like.

There is an end you can see in all three scenarios mentioned above. Of course,  for SAHDs or SAHMs, there is also an end, but well beyond the horizon and out of sight. As a SAHD, I’m not yearning for the end of this job, but until you grasp the permanence of staying at home, you haven’t gotten a taste for the real thing.

And then you must prepare yourself because that’s the tip of the iceberg. There are so many challenging aspects of stay-at-home parenting. I have mentioned some of them in previous posts: limited adult-to-adult communication, a decent dose of isolation, the fact that you’re not making money, and facing the stigma associated with being a SAHD, which is certainly one thing SAHDs have to deal with a little more than SAHMs.

So why am I writing about this? Well, it’s long overdue. I have talked to too many people since becoming a SAHD who have never been a SAHD or SAHM themselves who imply that they know what it is like. Yet, we don’t do this in conversations with other professionals (and yes, I’m implying that I’m a professional and, once again, if you don’t get that, you’ve never been a stay-at-home parent) like doctors, accountants, or teachers. We don’t assume to know what daily challenges they face because we once used an epipen, did our own taxes using TurboTax, or completed a math problem on a chalkboard for an audience, respectively. So why do so many people assume they know the day-to-day ups and downs of SAHDs and SAHMs because they spend the weekend around their kids?

Because they assume it is easy. They assume it just must be like the weekend over and over again. How hard can that be?

I think the real problem is that being a stay-at-home parent is not viewed and talked about as a real job by enough people. Too many people talk about it as a hobby. I cannot tell you how far from the truth calling this a hobby is. Hopefully, I’ve conveyed that from time to time on this blog.

Next time you find yourself talking to a SAHP, treat them like a professional, understand that they work 80 hours a week, and buy them a beer because they don’t have a paycheck.

The House Is Not For Sale

The last time I had a garage sale I priced every item, including the house. There were no takers that day. And on Saturday, when I finally had another garage sale this house was not for sale.

Instead, this garage sale was one in a series of steps we needed to take in order to finish the basement. There is a lot of stuff down there that we do not use and no longer have a need to hold onto, such as English class notes from UW, which I mentioned a couple posts ago.

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Ready for the deals!

Saturday was a huge success for us. At the end of the day we did not move that much stuff back into the basement. The majority of goods we sold and then we had one carload of them left for Goodwill.

Among the items, which did not sell, is a dining room table with two leaf inserts and six chairs. Interested? Leave a comment because this thing is going up on Craigslist for a sweet price. There were some leftover books, a few from my grad school days at DU. It wasn’t all that surprising to know the demand for The Market for Force: The Consequences of Privatizing Security is not that high, but why not try? But my two copies of Goodfellas on DVD (one of them unopened!) didn’t sell either. Are people insane? Have they not seen this movie? One of the all-time best. Watch it. Tonight.

One of the puzzling things about garage sales is what sells and what does not sell. A sturdy, still-in-good-condition wingback chair from the American Revolution did not sell, but someone bought Gone In 60 Seconds (eww, 24% RottenTomatoes score) for a dollar? This does not make sense. And that chair, well, it’s not quite that old and it found its way back into the basement. I had a collection of Pepsi cans for the last 16 years. It was a set of 24 collector cans from the release of Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace. They sold for $3 after pricing them down from $10. Although when I was 16 and collecting these cans I had a fantasy of selling them for a couple hundred dollars sometime in the not-too-distant future, but by 10am on Saturday, selling them for three bucks was one of the best moments of the day.

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Tired now. Ready for a snack!

After the early rush of professional garage sale shoppers, who show up early or even before the sale starts, lump everything they want to buy in a pile, and then ask you what you will part with it for, there was quite the lull. I think we didn’t have any interest for an hour. This cute little lady came by with her push toy looking for some deals. She found some shade instead and a granola bar.

After the lull, the stragglers seriously impressed. One of them bought my Pepsi cans, size XXXL standard issue sweatpants from the University of Wyoming athletic department, a Starbucks shirt from my barista days, and Unbreakable on DVD. One big ticket item was left, my mountain bike. It was time to clear space in the garage for my next bike, which will not be a mountain bike. Plus, these are just some of the repairs the bike needed: new rear tire, new rear wheel, new disc brake pads, new bike seat, some spoke fixing on the front wheel, and a thorough tuneup. After a few hours, I did not think it was going to move. Right about the time we were thinking of packing everything up it sold. I was a little proud of the bike in this moment and of how I had kept it together for so long, even when it meant using gorilla glue to hold the spokes in place.

Now that the bike was gone and it was going on 12, we started packing up. A couple lucky shoppers got an old digital camera for free and a copy of Command and Conquer: Generals for nothing!

But still, the table and chairs remain untouched. Someone still has yet to get that lucky!

“Do you get to stay home with mommy?”

For over a year now I have been telling people that I stay at home with my daughter. Response to this news falls into two categories.

First response: dismay, followed by an awkward pause in the conversation while IMG_6356recipient of the news digests what I have told them. Their inability to register that there are such people as stay-at-home dads (SAHDs) is obvious on their face and the direction in which the conversation now moves. They typically switch the topic, pointing out London’s cute outfit or smile, etc.

I get this response mostly from older generations. Just the other night after a meal out, I was standing outside of the restaurant holding London. An older woman started talking to us. She was admiring London. The conversation was going well. I love talking with strangers who want to hear about London. Staring at London, the woman asked her, “Do you get to stay home with mommy?”

“No, she gets to stay home with me,” I said it as proudly and happily as possible and looked at her for a reaction. I saw it. A band of confusion moved across her face like a TVs signal being interrupted. God bless her, she tried to recover, but it sure seemed like she had never met a stay-at-home dad before. I also get the feeling that these people assume my role as a SAHD is strictly temporary.

Second response: surprise (but not as much as the people in the first response), excitement, support, and curiosity about meeting a SAHD. Usually these people immediately tell me how awesome it is that I stay at home with my daughter. They tell me that I am doing a great thing. Unlike the first group, people who give me the second response do not assume I dislike this job or am just doing it for a short period of time. Not surprisingly, people in this group are younger and, because of their response, much better to talk to after the SAHD genie is out of the bottle.

Consider this a public service announcement. When you meet a SAHD today, next week, next year, or whenever, give them the second response. You might make their day and make a new friend.

DVDs $1, Stories Are Free

This house and its occupants are prepping for a garage sale this week. London’s help is extremely limited to nonexistent. She takes a long time examining every little thing we hand her, so she won’t be determining what we are getting rid of and what we are saving. She is most helpful when she decides to take a long morning nap on a Sunday so we can dig through the basement for potential hot ticket items.

We found lots of things to sell yesterday and just as much to throw away or donate. I discovered I had three copies of Goodfellas. (Hey, if there’s one movie to own several copies of it’s that one.) I have a DVD player to sell, but I can’t seem to locate the power cord or the remote. I am finally going to sell my Star Wars Pepsi can collection from one movie, which was both the most anticipated movie of all time and the most disappointing movie of all time, The Phantom Menace. But this can collection? Pristine. Complete. It represents a lot of work. It represents a lot of soda drinking.

For some reason I still had the majority of my class notes from the University of Wyoming. I chucked them all, but kept a few stories to possibly share on here. I threw out two boxes of old New Yorkers, magazines I had been saving because there was at least one tantalizing article in each magazine. I had lofty visions of getting to all of them some day, but having so many magazines and books I want to read around the house can really stress me out. It almost leads to less reading because I see the stacks everywhere and just think, I’ll never make it, why start now?

So, to those stories. I’m going to close this post with one. Please note, these are not my words. It was an assignment in an undergrad writing class for which you had to use a minimum number of sources to build one story or essay using nothing but quotes, a literary collage. And, here it is…

What I recall isn’t pain but a sense of jarring reversal, as of all motion, sound, and light encountering their massive opposites. I felt grass and dirt against my cheek, and sorrow that Dad was shot, and confusion that I couldn’t reach him. (1)

As I saw the last blue line of my native land fade away like a cloud in the horizon, it seemed as if I had closed one volume of the world and its concerns, and had time for meditation before I opened another. (2)

I shut my eyes, the old morte settled its grip, and the next country gathered itself under my feet. (1)

The grey rain-curtain turned all to silver glass and was rolled back, and he beheld white shores and beyond them a far green country under a swift sunrise. (3)

I waded ashore with measureless relief. The bank was an even slope of waving knee-high grasses and I came up into them and turned to look back. It was a wide river, mistakable for a lake or even an ocean unless you’d been wading and knew its current. Somehow I’d crossed it and somehow was unsurprised at having done so. (1)

There came into view a man, or so it seemed. (4) He had a blue coat and a long brown beard; his eyes were blue and bright, and his face was red as a ripe apple, but creased into a hundred wrinkles of laughter. In his hands he carried on a large leaf as on a tray a small pile of white water-lilies. (4)

“This is what we all find when we reach this country. We’ve all been wrong! That’s the great joke. There’s no need to go on pretending one was right! After that we begin living.” (5)

The words uttered by the person without, affected me as somewhat singular, but what chiefly rendered them remarkable was the tone that accompanied them. It was wholly new. I cannot pretend to communicate the impression that was made upon me by these accents or to detect the degree in which force and sweetness were blended in them. They were articulated with a distinctness that was unexampled in my experience. But this was not all. (6)

“We do not want you to become lazy, but to imitate those who through faith and patience inherit what has been promised.” (7)

It (the words) imparted to me an emotion altogether involuntary and uncontrollable. When he uttered the words my heart overflowed with sympathy and my eyes with unbidden tears. (6)

He sat down on a rock and swung his feet in a stream–it was deep and swift; it would take him in a moment. I seized his arm. Please, I said. Soon, he replied, which makes better sense under the rules of that country than ours. Very soon! he added, clasping my hands; then unable to keep from laughing, he pushed off from the rock like a boy going for the first cold swim of spring; and the current got him. (1)

Is there a single person on whom I can press belief? No sir. All I can do is say, Here’s how it went. Here’s what I saw. I’ve been there and am going back. Make of it what you will. (1)

 

Sources:

(1) Enger, Leif. Peace Like a River. Atlantic Monthly: New York, 2001.

(2) Irving, Washington. The Legend of Sleepy Hollow and Other Stories. Penguin: New York, 1978.

(3) Tolkien, J.R.R. Return of the King. Houghton Mifflin: Boston, 1955.

(4) Tolkien, J.R.R. The Fellowship of the Ring. Houghton Mifflin: Boston, 1954.

(5) Lewis, C.S. The Great Divorce. Harper: San Francisco, 1946.

(6) Brown, Charles Brockden. Wieland. Oxford: New York, 1994.

(7) Hebrews 6:12. Bible.

 

Parents on the NICU and their PTSD

Over a month ago, I read and posted about an article in the New York Times about 22 weeks gestational age being the new definition of viability (for some doctors). In the sidebar I noticed another article under “related.” Its title: For Parents on NICU, Trauma May Last. As soon as I was done reading about the viability of 22 weekers I clicked over and read about PTSD in NICU parents, which I had blogged about once already.

I have not read a more accurate article about parents dealing with the NICU. The first parent’s story is more stressful and scary than ours was. For example, I never got to the point where I was sleeping with my shoes on, but on more than one occasion I expected the hospital to call with horrible news. And I was and can still be easy to anger as a direct result from our NICU experience. I mentioned that back in October as well.

This NY Times article was first published in 2009, citing a new (for then) study about PTSD in NICU parents:

A new study from Stanford University School of Medicine, published in the journal Psychosomatics, followed 18 such parents, both men and women. After four months, three had diagnoses of P.T.S.D. and seven were considered at high risk for the disorder.

In another study, researchers from Duke University interviewed parents six months after their baby’s due date and scored them on three post-traumatic stress symptoms: avoidance, hyperarousal, and flashbacks or nightmares. Of the 30 parents, 29 had two or three of the symptoms, and 16 had all three.

One of the NICU parents quoted in the article hits the nail on the head:

“The NICU was very much like a war zone, with the alarms, the noises, and death and sickness,” Ms. Roscoe said. “You don’t know who’s going to die and who will go home healthy.”

I haven’t said it better myself. As a parent, even after months in the NICU, I would find myself wondering if we were ever going to make it out whole, meaning all three of us. Perhaps the most revealing statistic shared in the article is this:

The Stanford study found that although none of the fathers experienced acute stress symptoms while their child was in the NICU, they actually had higher rates of post-traumatic stress than the mothers when they were followed up later. “At four months, 33 percent of fathers and 9 percent of mothers had P.T.S.D.,” Dr. Shaw said.

It’s easy to picture stoic fathers in the NICU, but what most of them are really doing is repressing so much intense fear and anguish that once the drawn-out trauma of their child’s NICU stay is over they burst. I was stoic from time to time, but I certainly was not afraid to show emotion during London’s stay in the hospital. Crying in front of nurses was not something I was above. This helped.

One NICU survivor shares this in the NYT article:

In her book, Ms. Forman wrote: “From the moment my twins were born, I saw potential for tragedy wherever I turned. It would be years before I stopped thinking that way.”

This is probably what I struggle with the most now. It’s beyond worrying, it’s an all-consuming conviction that something horrible is going to happen. Prior to my trip to DC, I had a really hard time shaking the feeling that I wasn’t going to see my family again, I wasn’t going to make it back from DC, or maybe I was never going to make it there in the first place. Before the NICU, I was not wired to think this way, but now a part of me is. The other part is fighting for balance. Like Ms. Forman, maybe it will be years before hope and the safety I knew become my heading once again.

That Wasn’t So Bad

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A view of Roxborough Park as we flew over Littleton yesterday.

We just got back from our first plane trip with London. Going into the weekend getaway in California, I was not that nervous about London’s behavior on the plane. I was mostly concerned with the technicalities of traveling with a stroller and our decision to lug her Radian RXT booster seat with us (this seat weighs 40 lbs, maybe more). I spent more time looking up travel tips last weekend than writing any blogs, hence the complete lack of posts for a week or so.

Flying truly has become more of a hassle in the post-9/11 days. Then you throw a baby in the mix and my head hurts. One tip that we followed, that probably most parents follow, is to arrive at the airport earlier than you would if you were flying sans baby. This is a great decision if you stress out over having to rush through everything at the airport like I do. I actually enjoy being able to be as slow as I want once I arrive at the airport. I feel less stressed and I am way more prepared if anything goes wrong, like if baby has a blowout, or if I forget to lock the stroller wheels in place and she goes rolling off toward security by herself.

I would rather be over prepared for something like flying with a baby. And I think I was, because it seemed almost easier. If it weren’t for having to sit on the plane with a baby in your lap, flying with a baby would be easier than flying without one, based on our sole experience. At both airports we checked bags at the curb, immediately freeing ourselves of some tremendous weight and time waiting in line. At security, we were selected for the fast line, and at DIA for the TSA Precheck line. We didn’t have to stand in the stupid X-ray machine either. Maybe we looked absolutely clueless the entire time because we just seemed to be given preferential treatment wherever we walked. Little did everyone know that I spent a week studying for this like it was a final.

The part about traveling with a baby that is a drag is the actual plane ride itself. Even if your baby is very well behaved, like mine, you can’t really relax while holding him or her. One thing I love about flying is turning my phone off, being disconnected from the world for a few hours, and really getting into a book or reading a magazine from cover to cover. That won’t be an option for quite a few years, but I’ll get it back. In the meantime, I feel like a slightly more accomplished parent now that I have run the TSA gauntlet with London in tow and have not lost her or slowed any other traveler down due to a lack of preparedness.

That First Goodbye

As I mentioned a couple weeks ago on this blog, I had a trip to DC coming up. It was a birthday gift from Kate. Well, it was an awesome trip and I will share about some of it soon, but I want to write about the day I left for DC.

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A quick snap of London after saying goodbye at the airport.

I had been thinking for over a month about what it would be like to say goodbye to London at the airport. Since she was born almost sixteen months ago, I had never been more than an hour’s drive away from her. I had spent one night away from her, but that taking place in the same city. So, when we got to the airport I was saying goodbye to more than just London.

Since her instant, premature arrival, I have been tied to London like nothing before in my life. She took the breath out of me when I stood up and looked at her being pulled from her mom in the OR. Since then she has had it. I wished time and time again over those first ten months of oxygen support I could have given her more of my breath. Instead, I gave what I could, my constant attention, worry, and commitment to making her as happy as possible with meticulous mental note taking of her every need. For, 469 days, London had been within reach. Was I in control for one of them? No, but at least I was there. I knew I was saying goodbye to that streak, the first, long season of fatherhood.

When I arrived at the airport with my mom and London, I had to face the end of an era, so to speak. I had prepared myself and worried about it as much as possible. I still cried though. I leaned in to kiss her perfectly soft cheeks and could not leave without taking another picture of her. In that picture, she appears to be a little confused, possibly from my tears, but as beautiful as ever. I looked at it more than once while I was in DC. And more than once, I thought of our next hello.

One Year Ago Today, We Left the NICU

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London’s first night home. I already look horrible.

Today is the one-year anniversary of London’s big move from the NICU to her new home. Reflecting on that day a year later, I think I made the right choice by not overthinking what a big change it was going to be for London and for us.

I knew it would be an exhausting transition, but my thinking was that I would roll with the punches, get knocked down a few times (which I did), adapt my style (easy, give up sleep), and then hang on for dear life and at some point in the future I would come out a practiced and knowledgable parent (still looking to the future on that one, at least in some regards). To me, going through that process seemed easier than trying to be ahead of the curve. Plus, that would take time to read and figure out what I was doing wrong. After 109 days in the NICU and then starting parenthood all over again when London came home, we did not have time for that.

Learning London’s cues taught me nearly everything I needed to know about taking care of her this last year. A few cues are exclusive to taking care of a preemie, like knowing when to stop the bottle feed and move forward with the tube feed, or knowing when 1/8th liter flow was not enough or if it was just right. I relied on London’s pediatrician, her nurses, her physical therapist, her occupational therapist, and both sets of grandparents to fill in the gaps in my knowledge.

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Today. Playing with her Little People farm.

A year later, London is far easier to take care of than she was with all the accessories she came home with. And, I am far more rested than those first days and weeks she was home. I am still tired most of the time, but I have coffee for that.

London’s first year home bears the mark of many a preemie: daily doctor’s appointments at first, then weekly, and then gradually monthly, with some major scares along the way. I hope and pray her second year at home will be smoother than that, that it will bear more marks of hope and promise than it will remnants of her harrowing beginning.

DC Bound

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The last time I was in DC, I didn’t know how to operate any sort of camera, so I share this picture from London in 2012, the last time I was there.

A couple of months ago Kate secretly arranged for me to have a vacation.

I am actually going to travel out of the state. On. A. Plane.

I am heading to DC on Thursday for a four-night stay. My mom is helping out a ton by driving from New Mexico (again) to hang out with London while Kate is working.

When Kate first told me I was excited, but at once sort of terrified of leaving London and being away from her for four days. I have spent only one night away from London before and, even then, I was in the same city.

I am sure when I am dropped off at the airport I will have a little slice of adulthood immediately come back to me, the no-strings-attached freedom to move about as I please without a diaper bag, stroller, and a pretty big one-year-old baby. It will just be me. That will feel weird for a time.

As excited as I am for the vacation, I find myself already looking forward to coming back to Colorado and being reunited with my family. I have never felt that way before. It is one of those new feelings, that I can only ascribe to the love I have for my budding family.

Surviving at 22 Weeks

“Do you want us to save your baby?”

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London at one-day old.

That’s a question you may have to answer if your baby is born earlier than 24 weeks, the current gestational age of viability. In fact, you may not get that question at all. Quite a few NICUs do not have the means to even attempt to save a 22 weeker. And, from the sound of an article I read in the NY Times yesterday, some doctors will not try to save a 22 weeker if they aren’t breathing on their own. And the chances of such a preemie breathing on their own, if the mother didn’t receive corticosteroids, is extremely slim, if it’s possible at all.

Yet, there are some 22 weekers who have made it, as detailed in a recent study, from The New England Journal of Medicine, mentioned in the aforementioned article.

The study, one of the largest and most systematic examinations of care for very premature infants, found that hospitals with sophisticated neonatal units varied widely in their approach to 22-week-olds, ranging from a few that offer no active medical treatment to a handful that assertively treat most cases with measures like ventilation, intubation and surfactant to improve the functioning of babies’ lungs.

The study involved very premature babies, those born at 22-27 weeks. Among the 22 weekers, there were 78 cases:

18 survived, and by the time they were young toddlers, seven of those did not have moderate or severe impairments. Six had serious problems such as blindnessdeafness or severe cerebral palsy.

7 out of 78. So at 22 weeks, there’s less than a 10% chance of surviving without any severe, lasting impairments. Survival rate at 23 weeks was about 33%.

The article detailed the varying strategies used by hospitals around the country. Some hospitals are very ambitious and with the parental approval, go after all 22 weekers. But, understandably, some hospitals stick to the 24 week line as the viability tipping point. A doctor describes his hospital’s strategy this way:

At his hospital, “we go after the 24-weekers,” he said. “If it’s 23, we will talk to the family and explain to them that for us it’s an unknown pathway. At 22 weeks, in my opinion, the outcomes are so dismal that I don’t recommend any interventions.”

At 22 and 23 weeks, I am glad that parents are asked the question I opened this blog post with. After having experienced the emergency delivery of my daughter at 26 weeks and then the following 109 days in the NICU, I would hesitate to answer yes in a 22 week or 23 week situation. My gut tells me at 22 weeks, I would say no. At 23, I’d have to think about it a lot more. It would depend on whether or not my wife received steroids. There was no time for steroids in London’s case, and that set her back significantly even at 26 weeks, nearly a month older than the earliest babies in this study.

It was a fascinating article to read. Here is the link again. I am amazed that 22 weekers can survive, but blindness, deafness, and severe CP are not minor complications. And those are the 22 weekers who make it out of the hospital.

 

Coffee Obsessed? You should read this.

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The bloom in the Chemex.

I do not like the thought of going through a day without coffee. I love drinking it, but I have also become infatuated with making it. Weighing out the coffee beans, grinding them, weighing out the water, and slowly pouring water in a circular motion from the inside out have all made for a ritual I have come to love over the last year.

Learning to make coffee and learning to enjoy it has been a very long process. I did my compulsory stint at Starbucks, but I did not enjoy coffee then. Years later, I only drank the stuff as an energy boost and took very little delight in its flavor. I consumed more and more of the stuff through grad school. After graduation, the consumption declined, but it did not stop. When my wife and I bought our first house, I finally had some room to let my coffee wings spread out some and I took to cold brewing, modifying a method my father-in-law was using. In December, after I received my first Chemex and coffee grinder I transitioned to following this recipe from Counter Culture Coffee for Japanese style iced coffee and I have not looked back.

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Actual ice cubes are a nice touch.

I have learned a lot about coffee in the last year, but then last week I picked up an issue of the New Yorker from 2011 and read a fascinating article. I learned that I still have a lot to learn about coffee. For example, for best results when the cherry is picked from the tree, it is twisted off, not plucked. (I’ll remember that next time I am picking cherries in El Salvador.) And, we are in what is called the third wave of coffee consumption. Furthermore, the coffee snobs of the third wave lament the ancient ways of making coffee, which originated in Ethiopia. Only now, in this era, is coffee growing and brewing coming close to the true potential of the fruit.

The article is “Sacred Grounds” and it was wonderfully written by Kelefa Sanneh. I highly recommend reading it, even if you are not obsessed. Maybe you will be once you finish.

Another Day, Another Echo

Two days ago I posted “Turning One Again“. In that post I mentioned that this time last year London was going through a bunch of new tests to find out why she was so tired. Actually, “new tests” is incorrect. By May 4th, 2014, London had had several echocardiograms, she was just going to have another. I thought I would share a video of the last echo she had in the NICU. Kate had stopped by London’s room on the way to work (in the building next door) and had wound up getting to see the echo.

I do not expect you to be interested in watching a baby get an echocardiogram. The event is not spectacular or rare at all if you have had a preemie. But what is exceptional about the video is how London is so cool with it. She yawns in the middle of the video, like, c’mon, get this over with…it’s not my heart that has an issue.

Kate sent me the video that morning before I had made it to the NICU and it warmed my heart. This was classic London–so extraordinarily comfortable with another intrusive procedure in the NICU–that it did not surprise me all that much. London remained unperturbed throughout this test and others. Over the course of 109 days in the NICU London’s attitude absolutely rubbed off on us. We were never happy to have to sit through another echo or eye exam, but seeing how tough London was through it all made us roll with the punches like old pros. You will stress yourself to death if you can’t find a way to cope. Looking to our baby for strength proved to be one of the best strategies to weather the storm.

I just realized I posted this video on the blog already, but it was months ago and in a different context. Thanks for stopping by!

The Story of London’s Birth

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This picture…because it’s Cinco de Mayo!

A few months ago I wrote a post linking back to the story of London’s birth, the first posts on this blog. It had been a while since I had mentioned them and wanted to make sure people were aware of them, especially since they were now buried in the archives.

I have finally done something I should have done months ago. I have posted links to London’s birth story in the About the Author tab of this blog. I encourage you to read those posts if you have not.

In the meantime, happy Cinco de Mayo! I made a margarita last night following this recipe. It was delicious, but to make more tonight I had to raid the limes at the grocery store today. You will need a lot of limes. Enjoy!