God

Sharing Someone Else’s Writing

/ bperica / 2 Comments

Hey there, long time, no blog. My apologies. I’ve had a busy week and there’s only so much one can do when one’s baby is napping. If I don’t get to writing during that time, then it was spent cleaning, eating lunch, reading in the backyard, etc.

This week I noticed an article one of my friends had shared on Facebook. The headline, “If I Have Gay Children: Four Promises From A Christian Pastor/Parent,” caught my eye. I followed the link and read with interest the aforementioned “Four Promises.” Right from the start, I appreciated the author’s honesty when he opened with, “Sometimes I wonder if I’ll have gay children.” I have certainly thought about this as well. I am sure most have, if not for a fleeting moment than long enough to dwell on it and write a blog post about it and share it with the world. Obviously, the author has done the latter and it has garnered thousands of comments (critical and praiseworthy) and a story about the blog post on CNN.

I found myself in complete agreement with the father’s promises so I thought I would share the post here.

 

Pre-Fatherhood Thoughts on Fatherhood

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Written in 2013. September 19th.

Passing thoughts on Fatherhood.

Being an expecting parent has made me dwell on my own mortality like never before. A little morbid sounding that is, but, I suspect, not uncommon. Looking at the sonogram pictures, so clearly seeing life anew, I dwelled on my own end, but the dominant feeling while looking at the sonogram image was the inescapable sense of adventure, an adventure I expect to enjoy for many more decades.

I have also had a heightened protective instinct, also quite common among expecting fathers. That instinct takes many forms, among them worrying a little more about Kate’s well-being and health or looking not twice, but three times before we cross the street. I find myself being more careful when I am out for a run, driving, hiking, etc. I have always wanted to live for Kate, for us, but now I am living for another human being. This gives simple phrases, like drive safely, uttered in habit to someone walking out the door, a whole new weight as if they’ve never been spoken with meaning before.

Life becomes more exciting, serious, and scary when one is expecting a baby. Not all of those emotions I feel to the same degree, but all are felt with more intensity.

Until today I didn’t know I could love something so small. Kate and I saw our baby for the first time. It’s .75 cm long and about 7.5 weeks along. We saw its heart beating. How miraculous.

One last thing…

I am not a person who typically uses the phrases, “I saw God in…” or “God made himself known to me,” to list just two examples, but as Kate and I turned to the sonogram screen for the first time and saw our unborn child, I felt God’s presence in our lives, in all three of our lives. There, on that monitor, a blob of white, not even a centimeter long, was our child, something we are responsible for. It’s not the clearest image and the doctor has to tell us where to look and what we are looking at exactly, but I saw God smiling back and a new dimension of love, one that rocked me to my core, began to surface.

At Last, Some Answers

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Today, a little something I wrote in a journal back in March. Just a word about this entry, and others like it, is that they often take the form of a letter to London.

March 8, 2014

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Holding London on March 14, 2014.

Held London during Kate’s first baby shower.

Leaving the NICU, walking out into a beautiful sunny day, driving away with the sunroof open, sort of crying. Just hits me how I have to leave you behind every day. You are stuck inside and your world is so incredibly small right now. I can’t grasp how much I love you. I can’t put it into words. It’s a depth of feeling that transcends any prior experience. When I am able to grasp just how much I love you, it lasts a second, in which I am overwhelmed, in awe of creation and what God has blessed us with.

There is something uniquely peaceful about spending time with you alone. You were so good today, satting high and just zonked out on me.

You know, at times throughout this experience I have wondered why we are going through this. Is it something God planned? And I’ve been cynical at times, doubting that saying a prayer would help lasix work as best as it can. At times I am uncertain about the answers, but I am certain of one thing: your arrival has awakened in me a love I never knew existed. It has finally put into perspective how strong God’s love for us is. He looks upon us as newborns, perfect, innocent, like we can do no wrong.

You’ve brought me closer to God, into pure love, than I have ever been. The path forward is not without worry, but it is clear. Clear in that my life up until your birth has shown me exactly how to love you and your mom through all this. I didn’t know I had it in me. I didn’t know if I could. If someone had asked me how to proceed, I would have said I don’t know. Now you’re here and, at last, I have some answers.