Humor

Friday Humor

/ bperica / 1 Comment

I’m at home still waiting for a drywall inspector to show up and look at my basement. The inspector was supposed to be here between 9:30 and 11:30. It’s past 1 pm now and nothing. London is asleep. I’m not going to start in on writing something knowing that I’ll likely be interrupted by the inspector, so I’ll share someone else’s writing for now.

It’s a funny piece, titled, “Dumb-Ass Stuff We Need To Stop Saying To Dads,” found on the Huffington Post, which apparently limits their paragraph length to three short sentences. Three is to give the HuffPo too much credit. Most of the time it’s one sentence and done for a paragraph.

I hope you enjoy the read.

Dads Saving the Day

/ bperica / 3 Comments

I saw these videos of dads who have saved the day and had to share them on here. It’s hard to pick a favorite, but number 5 is a very solid effort. The first time I watched it I thought the dad was sprinting after the girls on the Little Tikes car, because putting two girls on a car like that and pushing it down a hill just seems like a bad idea. But the dad is actually saving another kid from being run over by those girls. Another great video, number 2, which is the most casual, but still quite impressive, save on the list.

Watch the videos from Buzzfeed here.

I saw these videos a while back, but I thought of them again on Saturday. We had just arrived for brunch at a restaurant. I was standing and holding London on my left arm/hip waiting for the high chair to arrive at our table. I was looking to my right, when I felt London’s weight shift in my arms. She had started to lunge out of my hold, head first. My right arm swooped around and saved her from sailor-diving into our brunch table. There is no video of it, but there was definitely some daddy-pride in the aftermath of that moment.

Music Class in my Active Wear

/ bperica / 2 Comments

After music class this morning, this video is absolutely spot-on.

SAHD Guidelines for Music Class

/ bperica / 2 Comments

Yesterday was my first music class with London. I need to write some things down so I remember them for the next nine classes to come…

Try as hard as you can to act like there is another dad in the room. You are the only one, but be as comfortable as if there were three other SAHDs present.

Try not to sweat when you’re feeling like all eyes are on you because all eyes aren’t on you. It just feels that way because you’re the only SAHD there. IMG_7217

Just in case you do sweat a lot like yesterday, wear a darker shirt. Yesterday you wore a light blue shirt and within ten minutes you had a band of belly sweat visible on your shirt and by the end of the class it was impossible to hide the fact that you were pitting out.

Don’t drink a venti iced coffee from Starbucks right before music class. Trying to pee while holding London is not as easy as it once was. And yesterday you had to do it twice, right before class and immediately afterward.

Take pride in the fact that the first toddler on toddler assault yesterday was not London’s doing, but don’t forget to corral her if she starts winding up for a nice slap across the face, her customary greeting for babies.

If the opportunity arises, share London’s age. From past experience, I know there has to be someone there wondering why there is a three-year-old acting like a sixteen-month-old. Well, let them down gently, it’s because she is sixteen months old.

Also, be kind to anyone if they assume I am babysitting. Just because I am a dad and I am here with my daughter does not mean I am babysitting. I am parenting. No parent should feel like they are babysitting their own kid.

Do not assume a child’s age. Yes, he or she might be significantly smaller than London, but they might be six months to a a year older.

Just try to fit in. Try not to think of yourself as the pariah. You won’t be if you remember these things you’ve written down here. Oh yeah, and don’t sweat as much.

Costco Etiquette

/ bperica / 3 Comments

How I wish all my fellow Costco shoppers could have attended a cotillion class on shopping the aisles of Costco when they were growing up.

Alas, this did not happen so I am going to present to you a few rules my fellow Costco shoppers can abide by for all future visits to that wonderful store.

1. Samples. Every one loves their Costco samples, but no one loves a stalled shopping cart in the middle of the aisle while you mosey on over for another bagel bite. Get your butt and your cart to the side of an aisle so people shopping at Costco aren’t blocked by people just there to eat enough free samples to constitute a lunch. I’m looking at you, retirees.

2. Stay to the Right. Just like on the freeway, if you’re not passing anyone, stay to the right. This way, when I close in on you I can move into the middle and smoothly pass. There is no reason to claim the middle lane at a mall-saunter pace.

3. Baby on Board. When you see a fellow Costco shopper with a baby recognize that he or she is not at Costco today to spend two hours walking up and down every aisle and buying every item that remotely piques their interest. He is there to get crap done. He has a list. He knows what he needs. Now stop looking at that kayak like you are going to buy it and move out the way!

4. Book Table. From now on, all perusing of books shall be done in a clockwise direction around the table for better flow, for better access for those arriving at the book table, and for an easier exit for those leaving the book table.

5. Receipt Check. That second Costco employee stationed at the exit of the store is not just there as a joke. He also looks at receipts. Form two lines, using both receipt-checking employees and we all get out of here a little sooner.

6. Gas Station. Most gas tanks are located on the driver’s side so people line up on the right side of the gas pump even when there are spots open on the left side of the gas pump. What these people do not know or what they are nervous to experiment with is that the hose on the Costco gas pump reaches most gas tanks, no matter what side the opening is located on. I was at Costco last week and I saw the worst example of this. Everyone seemed in a rush to top off with $1.83 gas that there was a deep, six-car line at the station. It looked horrible. I almost turned around, but I noticed two open pumps on the left side. I slowly drove forward, wondering if these pumps worked, looking at all the people sitting in their cars and waiting. What for? I arrived at the pump, pulled the nozzle around to the opposite side of my car and filled up while people who had been waiting when I arrived watched me finish up and drive home.

Have A Preemie, It’s Such A Deal

/ bperica / 4 Comments

I am here to be honest with you. Having a preemie is such a deal both in cost and effort. Think of all the deals you have come across in your life. Think of the deals you expect to encounter in the future. Let your imagination run wild. I really doubt the deal you have in mind will come even close to being as good a deal as I am about to share with you.

1. Delivery is really fast. You don’t even have time to anticipate it. One night, you’ll be at home watching TV (in our case, I was trying to watch the latest episode of True Detective on HBO), and you will be truly concerned about everyday tasks, leaning over to your spouse and saying, “Oh gosh, we still have to clean the kitchen.” Then the pain will come. You’ll make a smart decision to go to the hospital to get some drugs or something and be sent home. So, still, having a baby won’t even be on your radar. But then the water breaks and well, you know something is going to happen. You’re not quite sure what. And then a few hours later you have a kid. Very little pain. Lots of drugs. A lot of very nice people working to help you deliver this baby as quickly and as painlessly as possible. And it is. The scar will heal up very nicely.

2. No third trimester. “Wow, killer deal!” You might say. Well, you are spot on. From what I hear, that third trimester is just a pain in the ass, or more like the lower back. Fatigue? Ha, you won’t even get to the worst of it. Frequent urination? You’re safe. A two pound baby does not make you urinate more. Heartburn? Okay, you might still get this if you have a preemie, but it’s not what you think. It’s just because you had tacos with the hot salsa on them, not because you are growing a human being. Swelling? Nope. You’ll be able to wear your wedding ring right up to delivery. Weight gain? Are you freaking kidding me? As soon as you develop the slightest baby bump you’ll be hours away from delivery, saved from the expand-a-pants, saved from the waddle, the stretch marks, and the need to have a whole different wardrobe for that third trimester.

3. Best babysitting in the world. As soon as your baby arrives, NICU nurses, will be with your baby 24/7 until the baby leaves the NICU. The earlier the baby, the more days you’ll get this amazing babysitting at a relatively low cost. You can still go out for dinner. You can go home to sleep. In addition to the nurses there are many other professionals checking in on your baby, making sure she is comfortable and developing as expected. You might be a little stressed about leaving your baby in the NICU at first, but, oddly, you get used to it. You still need to enjoy your free time before you have a baby at home. You weren’t expecting to have a baby this soon. You had three more months. Take them. The NICU team has you covered.

4. The lighter your baby the better. Truly, if you have a really small baby, you just qualified for all sorts of assistance regardless of your income. You will learn about supplemental security income. You’ll get a check from the Feds once a month that has to be used on baby things. Easy enough. And then for some reason you’ll get a little bonus check when your baby leaves the hospital. Sort of like the Feds just saying, “Hey, congratulations! And thanks for paying all your taxes all those years. This is how we roll. We actually do some good stuff with the money you give us. Here’s some back.” Then, if you’re lucky enough to live in Colorado, your little, teeny, tiny baby qualifies for at home physical therapy and occupational therapy visits. Three times a month, they come to you, assess your baby, tell you what the baby needs to do better, tell you where the baby might be a little ahead, and, this is all at no extra cost to you. This time it is like the state saying, “Thanks for paying your taxes. You struck gold with this little girl and now we are going to pay people to help you with her development.”

5. People give in emergencies. The more traumatic the experience, the more people you will hear from, the more flowers you will receive, the more food will show up at your doorstep, the more aid in your mailbox, the more touching notes you will receive from people you’ve met once or have never met before, the more baby clothes you will receive, and the more diaper cakes you’ll be gifted. People will feel for you. They’ll fork over some really excellent gifts and meals. Truly, what a steal.

6. Having a preemie could very well be cheaper than having a full-term baby. When you have a preemie, she needs a place to stay. These places are called neonatal intensive care units or NICUs. A night at our NICU costs as much as the Peninsula Suite at the Peninsula, Chicago, or almost $9,000 a night. Multiplied by 109. No one is going to stick you with that bill. Trust me. In fact, when your bill arrives you could end up paying less than 1% of your total stay. I mean, if you have very solid insurance, you might just pay .007% of your total hospital bill. Double-O-Seven.

7. After hours visiting at the hospital. You know, typically when you show up at our hospital after 8 you have to sign in and say who you are going to visit. They give you a sticker that you immediately throw in the trash. What a waste. It’s a real hassle. You don’t want to stop and talk with anyone, you’re going to see your baby for crying out loud. Worry not. You’ll live at the hospital. After you’re stopped once or twice, you’ll just look over at the security desk when you next enter the hospital after hours and you’ll get in with the head nod you always see guys giving each other.

8. You get to write about it and people will read. And maybe, after you’ve gone through all this and cried a thousand times for your child’s life and watched her vital signs plummet to numbers that you just associate with death, you’ll be able to find some humor in the whole experience and put a spin on it like I just did.